Anger, Unlimited

February 4, 2008

All right, I’m just going to completely backslide on my peaceful serene fibromyalgia mindset and say that I am pissed. I am angry. I am furious. Today, I’m tired of thinking about all of those people who have it so much worse than I do. For right now, I’m tired of being grateful for the good days that I have.  At the present time, I just want to be mad. I seldom get mad. But as I lie here on my sofa, foggy and hurting from head to toe, exhausted for no good reason, and worried to death about how I’m going to make a living with all of this going on, I want to scream.

I’ve been dealing with this for eight years, and truly, I think that overall, I’ve done a bang up job. But today, I’ve just had it. I’m fed up. I’m tired of not wanting to bother anyone, of smiling through the pain, of fighting the good fight. I’ll feel differently tomorrow, but today, I want to scream.

I want to scream at all of the quack doctors and clueless hospital personnel that I’ve seen over the years. Folks, if you don’t believe that fibro exists, do us all a favor and refuse to see us. Be ethical and refuse to take our money.

I want to scream at the insurance companies that have made me jump through endless hoops proving my case, sending me running to more clinics and specialists than I’d ever dreamed of, trying medications that I’d never consider taking, all to prove the unprovable, and which contributes to the stress and exhaustion that exacerbates this syndrome in the first place. I’m tired of making 400 phone calls, gathering every piece of information that they request, only to be told that I don’t qualify for short term disability because I haven’t provided enough information. What a scam.

I’m going to call Social Security tomorrow to find out about applying for disability, because it’s obvious that I’m unemployable at the point, and I’m screaming in advance because of what I know they’ll put me through.

I don’t WANT to go to any more doctors. They can do nothing for me but push, prod and determine for the gazillionth time that I have fibromyalgia. I don’t WANT to take any more medications, because they don’t help, or the side effects outweigh the benefits. I don’t WANT to spend any more money that I don’t have to prove something that’s been proven as much as it can be proven.

Don’t tell me that this is in my head. I’m not a stupid woman. I’m not a whiny woman. There is absolutely NOTHING positive to be gained by having fibromyalgia. It brings no benefits. It brings no joy. It brings no positive attention or empathy, because I don’t talk about it. And honestly, I don’t want or need those things anyway.

I just want and need to feel better.


18 Responses to “Anger, Unlimited”

  1. Heather Says:

    Social Security is very hard to get, be prepared to get a lawyer to do so. It is truly ridiculous. Good Luck!

  2. (HUGS) I hear you loud and clear.

    Here’s to a pain-free day tomorrow and beyond.


  3. @ Heather: I’ve heard that you have to apply at least three times before they’ll approve. Good grief. I didn’t make the call today– just wasn’t up for it. I’ll try again tomorrow.

    @ Free: Thank you so much!! I need both hugs and blessings, and I’m sending them back to you too.

  4. Do it.

    I applied last July (official filing).

    I had just freaking had it. Like you. And you know what, the stress relief alone is worth it.

    (…I should be hearing from SSA this month. Be sure you’re dug in financially. And Do It. Kick some ass.)

    Re everything else, we are your choir.

    Love and kittens.

  5. @ daniel: Thank you so much. Did you apply online? Was it your first time? Did you apply by yourself or did you have someone help you?

  6. ואידך זיל גמור Says:

    Oh, Im so with you in every word…
    Good luck with the SS procedure! Crossing fingers..Just try not to get too emotional about it-well, as much as possible. An empathic lawyer can help alot.
    Come back to tell us how it goes..
    Miss Gomez

  7. @ Miss Gomez: Thank you so much. After looking over the application process yesterday, I think that I am going to see if there’s a lawyer who can help me. It will be a lot less stressful to have a go-between.

    I’ll keep you posted.

  8. thegirlfromtheghetto Says:

    I wonder if you can find a University study near you that is treating Fibro. patients without medicine? Wayne State has one, but I don’t think you live in MI….

  9. Abbe Says:

    I understand your sentiment. I was diagnosed over the summer with Rheumatoid Arthritis to go along with Psoriasis. Somedays I’m not sure which bugs me more, the itching or the pain or the the thought that I am way too young for any of this shit! Of course, I could be 90 and I’d still think that. Flair ups suck!
    I’ve been in pain for way longer than I’ve had a diagnosis. Sometimes I joke that pain is the most reliable thing in my life…I can always depend on it.
    The worst thing is the medical community. My rheumatologist put me on Methotrexate which made me miserable…he insisted that he wanted to treat my RA aggressively and wanted me to to go on Enbrel. I said no he upped my Methotrexate. That made me even more miserable and actually seemed to made the symptoms worse. I finally said “enough”…took myself off of the Methotrexate and stopped going to this doctor. So next is acupuncture and alternative options…currently trying Green Tea extract. I’ll give it a month or two to see how it works.

    Good luck…listen to your own body!


  10. @ Abbe: I’m sorry that you’re going through all of this. It really sometimes seems that the cure is worse than the condition.

    To me, the main thing is to do exactly what you’re doing, which is to trust yourself and put your care into your own hands. It may not lessen the pain, but the stress reduction is worth it.

  11. Abbe Says:

    and laugh as much as possible!

  12. butterfly2007 Says:

    Wow, Your words really touched me. I have RSD, and am in chronic pain everyday. It never lets up and is always there. Thank you for telling the world how it is… We can’t always fake a smile… Hang in there!


  13. @ Christy: You hang in there too. It really gets hard, doesn’t it? Today’s been rough, tomorrow will be better. That’s my mantra! Thank you for stopping by!

  14. tammyrenee Says:

    Well, gee… now I don’t have to write a vent post cause you’ve said everything I was feeling, ha, ha. Good thing, too, cause my hands are already going numb. I’m still in limbo with my SSDI. I thouht we were going to be moved by now and I certainly don’t want to have to change all my contact info mid-stream, so I’ve put it on hold. Maybe I just don’t want to keep facing the rejection, too. Wish you the best and YES… get it started now!

  15. I was approved for Social Security disability (even though I’ve never considered myself disabled) 5 months after I applied. I was coached by a woman who is wheelchair-bound but still took 3 years to get it and has been coaching other applicants since. She had me prepared with a medical history including Md and hospitalizations going back 30 years, plus other relevant information.

    I was amazed, but pleased, when I was noticed of my approval.

  16. @ Nick: Thank you– I’m so glad you got approved!!! I don’t know how in the world to go back that far in my history. So many towns and doctors and hospitals.
    Did you provide actual records, or was some of this from memory?

  17. […] Anger, Unlimited. Today, I’m tired of thinking about all of those people who have it so much worse than I do. For […]

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