Human Doppler Radar

November 3, 2007

My body’s been aching like crazy, partly because of the tumble down the stairs last weekend, but mostly at this point, because of the weather. As winter approaches, I’m dreading what experience has told me is yet to come. My legs, hips, knees and back are burning, and there’s an intense, bone-deep achiness that’s hard to explain. The only adjectives that come to mind to describe it are “gross” and “disgusting.” I know that sounds weird, but it truly does feel so awful that it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

Sounds crazy, huh? But this is what Fibromyalgia is like for me. I wake up in the middle of the night in immense pain, then I get a little freaked out because I know that lack of sleep makes it all worse. I’ve said it before, but it does sometimes feel like a cruel joke– a game that can’t be won, because the rules are so impossible to follow. “Don’t get stressed,” “Get plenty of rest.” “Exercise.” “Take it easy on yourself.” So I try to do all of this while I hurt and burn and become a dejected insomniac. I know that it will all get worse as the temperature drops. I can take all of the advice in the world about this syndrome, but until I’ve mastered the art of controlling the weather, I’m sort of up a creek. Or a glacier.

The pain got really bad yesterday. “The temperature must be dropping,” I told Tom, like an old lady with rheumatism and a trick knee. I went to let the cat in, and was hit by a blast of cold air, which confirmed my suspicions. I can tell when it’s going to rain now, and when it’s going to snow. I’ve come to dread seeing a gray sky more than I ever did, because now, it all means something different than simply, “Bundle up,” or “Carry an Umbrella.”

Today, it’s warmer. The sky is blue and beautiful, and I’m hopeful again. I’m going to try to catch up on my sleep a little, and attempt to regain some of my energy. And so it goes.


5 Responses to “Human Doppler Radar”

  1. Little Miss Says:

    Okay… can I just copy your post and put it on my blog because it describes EXACTLY how I feel too. Every description you used, I feel. The contradiction in what to do to make it better kills me too. You nailed it.

    Then there’s the very mild panic attacks – like when I can’t sleep until 2 am, I start to panic that I’m going to be in pain the next day, and it’s made worse by knowing that I then have to drive 25 miles into the office, sit at an uncomfortable work station and ache like hell every time I stand up. Then there’s the drive home. The clock turns to 3 and I panic again, knowing that if I don’t head out quickly, I’ll be stuck in traffic and the 25 miles will turn into an hour and a half. Today there was an accident, and that made traffic worse.

    I hope you are healing from your fall adequately. Not sure what other descriptor to use other than that. It will go away, but it sure is an awful thing to have compounded on the fibro. 😦

  2. I have a gigantic bruise on my butt and my ego, but other than that, I’ve recovered from my fall.

    I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t. The pain that results from the combination of the lack of sleep, the commute, and the stress at work became unbearable. It’s completely changed me from being an outgoing, active person, to a much more withdrawn homebody. It absolutely sucks to make conserving energy and avoiding pain such a major focus in my life. Quite frankly, I’m kind of sick of me, and of thinking about me– my stress levels, my pain, my energy. Do you know what I mean? I think you’re inspirational, because you somehow manage to deal with it, and you accomplish so much.

  3. Little Miss Says:

    MB, I do know exactly what you mean. I’m grateful that my employer allows me a very, very flexible schedule. Without that, I wouldn’t be able to work and support myself the way I’m accustomed to living. I’d probably have to sell my house. Or take in a renter. This last night I slept 11 hours. This is very remarkable for me. And today, as a result, I’m going to work from home because I don’t want to wear myself out like I did yesterday. I have to gauge every action and decision I make as to the repurcussions of it for several days after the action. For instance, I need to drive 50 miles on Thursday to a work meeting with a client. So, do I go in to my office today and risk extreme pain by Thursday, or do I work from home today and make the client meeting a successful one? On it goes.

    The thinking about myself bit – I know what you mean there too. I have a tape in my head of my mother’s critical side telling me that I’m “not the center of attention” and to “quit contemplating my navel”. and other sayings. Consequently, there’s guilt that goes with needing to take care of myself. It’s far better than it used to be, but there are still ghosts of it around my head as I deal with this stuff.

    Inspirational? Wow. Thank you. I don’t feel like I accomplish so much, but maybe it’s all relative, you know? I wish I could ride a bike occasionally and feel good about it. (I don’t own a bike, so maybe that’s a problem. LOL)

  4. I’m glad you’re getting rest. And yeah, we do have to make decisions on every little thing, because everything little thing takes on new meaning. Helping to move my mother over the weekend was just crazy, because I’ve always been so strong, and now I feel almost useless. I helped, but at one point I even curled up on the floor and fell asleep (the furniture was gone)! I was raised like you were– being so self-focused is a character flaw, almost bordering on the sinful. So, I guess the trick is to adjust that attitude, and think of it as just paying attention to ourselves in order to be as productive as possible.

    It is all relative, and you ARE inspirational. There really is a part of me that believes you’re going to figure this stuff out!

  5. Me, too. Regular little weather predictor.

    Moon…seems we have a lot in common between this blog and your other blog.

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