Fighting My Way to the Surface

September 20, 2007

I made it to my mother’s house without incident, but today, I’m more foggy that I have been in weeks. It feels like I’m trying to fight my way out of a membrane of some sort. Like my brain is covered in cobwebs, and I can’t seem to shake them off. I tried sleeping, drinking coffee, just rolling with it, but none of these things are working. I promised myself I’d write every day, so I’m jotting this down, but I’m really feeling quite awful today.

No, no! I just figured out what it feels like— it’s like being held underwater, and trying to fight my way back up to the surface.

Here’s what makes it worse: I hate having anyone witness this. My mother’s having company tomorrow, and I’m here in part to help her clean house. But my mind and body are no longer working on anyone’s timetable. I’ll get things done– I always do, but it may be midnight before I’m operational again. This makes me edgy, because I’m so worried about her disapproval. She’s not to blame. She’ll try to understand, but I guess the real disapproval comes from within me. It makes me feel guilty.

I have to quit writing now, because I don’t think this is making much sense. I’ll try again later.

6 Responses to “Fighting My Way to the Surface”

  1. sassifer Says:

    oh my goodness. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.

    Having dated someone with this same problem (Fibro) and having a very close friend who has suffered with it for 20 years.. I understand how you feel.

    I have one question, have you ever looked into laser treatments for it ? My friend, swears by it! She has it done weekly/bi-weekly. It has changed her life.

    I truly hope you get through this and feel better. Some days are better than others, don’t lose hope!

    I’m always here to chat, drop me a line! =-)

  2. ouiser Says:

    I still say we need some sort of banner to put on our forehead that says, “I’m not stupid, lazy, indifferent, or crazy… I’m just sick!” Of course it would have to have a dry erase board so we could pencil in things like our timetable for the evening. Should we come across an engineer or inventor here in blogville, let’s be sure to add him/her to our roladex!

  3. Sassifer: That is so sweet. Thanks very much. I will get through it, and I will feel better– knowing that is what gets me through sometimes.

    Ouiser: You’re hilarious. You must be feeling better. I think your forehead dry erase board is one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard.

  4. Little Miss Says:

    You make complete sense. I get it. It’s the internal disapproval and expectations we set on ourselves that are the hardest. And that stress exacerbates the fibro, so its a vicious cycle. Glad you made the drive okay. Pat yourself on the back for that!

  5. Exactly!!!!!! Thanks for the kudos on getting here–tomorrow, I have to get back home!

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