I Vant to Be Alone

September 17, 2007

GarboLil Miss recently wrote a post about feeling like a “Fibro Flake,” and it really hit home. One of the hardest parts of dealing with Fibromyalgia for me is that it’s changed my personality and lifestyle. Part of this has just been a natural occurrence, but much of it’s been necessity. I’ve had to pare down my rich, full life until it’s just the core of what it used to be. I can’t explain it to others, and no one can understand it.

With Fibromyalgia, you unconsciously begin protecting yourself–physically and emotionally. Since it’s a double whammy– pain causes stress and exhaustion, stress and exhaustion causes pain, without realizing it, you start walking on eggshells, trying not to do anything that will upset the extremely delicate balance that becomes your life.

I find that I’ve cocooned myself in many ways; I seldom have energy for friendships and family, and though I force myself to get out and “do,” it takes every bit of energy I can muster. Returning a library book becomes a major chore. I’ve become an intermittent person. I’m sure that my relatives whisper about the changes that have developed in me, and my friends have had to accept the fact that I’m not always able to be there. I can go weeks without talking to anyone but Tom.

Emotionally, this wrecks me. I love the people in my life, and we’ve always been direct and honest with each other. The old me would try to discuss all of this with them, try to be “understood,” and make sure everyone was feeling okay about things. But I no longer have the spirit for it. I feel guilty and ashamed, but after many years of trying to comprehend and come to terms with Fibromyalgia, I realize that I have to shield myself against the looks, the whispers, the judgments, and the well meaning but misguided comments. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I can’t deal with it anymore.

So, I’ll sit here with my mild case of agoraphobia, talk to the people I love when I can, and just try to be accepting of the things going on within me. I’m trying to learn how to gently and patiently tame this beast, but it’s going to be a long journey.


2 Responses to “I Vant to Be Alone”

  1. Little Miss Says:

    That’s it exactly! Getting out and “doing” this weekend caused me extreme stiffness and soreness this morning. I should be on my way to work already, and I’m not. And the vicious cycle there is the stress of feeling undependable again because I’m going to be late for work, and are they going to be able to accomodate me. Argh. Sigh. Today I’m the Little Engine that Could. “I think I can.” =)

  2. I hope you’re feeling better today. It’s all such a snowball. I wish the damned thing would melt!

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