August 18, 2007

I woke up feeling just awful today. Before I even opened my eyes, I realized that my body ached all over, and depression just started wrapping its cold, gooey fingers around my brain.

Actually, I started getting kind of down yesterday– I did nothing more than go to the health food store and the grocery store, and by the time I got home, I was exhausted and hurting. I notice that Fibromyalgia puts me into this self-protective mode, and the usual joy I feel from meeting and interacting with people is just not there as much– takes too much energy, I think. Often, even the simplest tasks often become difficult ones. This all makes me so sad.

So, I woke up thinking about how much I hate this. How guilty it makes me feel. How my exhaustion keeps getting worse. How I can’t get in to see the rheumatologist until October, and how it won’t matter because he can’t do anything for me anyway. How I probably will not get FMLA from work. How I hate the anti-depressant I’m on, and how I don’t want to take any more than the minimal amount, because I don’t want to not feel like me– but boy, what a “me” I am sometimes. How I have no idea as to how to proceed from here. Oh my God, I’m whining. Get me out of here! I can’t stand being around myself today.

Tom and I were supposed to go bike riding today, but I’m just too tired. Gonna go nap.

2 Responses to “Ugh”

  1. Tammy Says:

    Stumbled across you through the health tag and wanted to drop you a line. I’m also dealing with a chronic illness, but mine has yet to be definitively diagnosed. I was told at one point that I had FMS, but I didn’t have the infamous tender points and had myself re-evaluated by another doctor. I’ve since been pointed in the direction of something autoimmune (seeing yet another rheumy this month). Anyway, just wanted to tell you what excellent therapy blogging about your illness can truly be and encourage you to keep it up! For me, it helps me not overwhelm my family with my gripes and complaints, yet allows me to get it all off my chest. Best of luck to you!

  2. Tammy- Thanks for sharing this. It’s frustrating, figuring all of this out, isn’t it? I wish you the best of luck in getting a diagnosis– to be able to rule out Fibromyalgia is a GOOD thing. Hopefully, they will find that you have something that they can actually do something about!

    I’m finding that what you said about the blogging is true– I’m using it to vent and to share my experiences (which hopefully will be helpful to others). Mostly, I’m using my blog to express the feelings about this that are so hard for friends and family to understand (and as you say, not to overwhelm them).

    Again, I wish you the best on your journey. Please let me know how it goes. Thanks for the encouragement!

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